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Monday, May 30, 2005

i've been away.
resting my head full of sand and cobwebs.
my fingers go numb at the tips whenever i sit down to write even a single solitary word. i feel like a collection of parts floating.

this is a block. serious and threatening.
and yet i'm so happy sometimes, i don't feel real.
a perfect technicolour version of myself.

(i wore your sweater until i went to bed last night, and i put it back on as soon as i got up.)

Monday, May 23, 2005

there is something strangely comfortable about all of this. these days. these clothes. this stunned expression on my face. i'm not exactly at ease, but i like it. all of it.

the rain has been keeping us inside. i need some sun on these old bones.

i sat in the back and didn't open my mouth the whole way out. the rain skidded across the windows and i traced my fingers along the path. she laughed. and he laughed. and she laughed too. our breath clouded the glass and i wrote my name with the tip of my thumb. the view never changed, no matter how far we drove. grey and wet and all of the houses the exact same, with the same cars in the driveways and the same storm-beaten trees on the edge of the lawns. i closed my eyes to their moving mouths and felt comfortable in my silence.

this week: a movie? a picnic? (a cosmic picnic?)

Saturday, May 21, 2005

it's amazing how fast a simple and condescending conversation with a family member can crash my mood from high to low and wipe the smile right off my face.

all of these sins. all of these sins are mine and mine alone, so what difference could it possibly make to you? (i saw that word, sharp and piercing, hiding behind your teeth.)

i was excited to dress up tonight, and now i feel like crying.
disappearing.
fuck this town. i'll call you from ireland.

or maybe i won't.

(that aside, i had fun today. i like the market and the preserves and tables of samples. i like the bustle of people touching elbows and the word "creperie". i like the coffee at the gourmet and muppet action figures.)

there is a dead mouse in the wall somewhere. which explains the smell.
home is just a place where i keep all my shit.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

after work visits make me smile. yesterday. tom's little havana. me, a little drunk and buying two cds after not having any money for what seemed like weeks. maybe because it was. i slept soundly with a silly grin across my face. and i feel like i haven't slept in months at the same time. everything is exciting and scary.

it's day one and the slate is blank and white. pure and perfect and free of my dirty little fingerprints. i don't ever have to hold my breath again if i don't want to.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

the internet has returned...and this time it's personal.
(thanks to kaitlin for fixing it)
i miss jon too much for words
(and i think he should probably teleport home from time to time)
ian and amy and kurt combined could not give me a hickey.
(haha. you guys suck...or, i guess you don't at all)
i'm excited for Kill Bill, the John A. Musical and whiskey/warriors night.
(and for ron, cause i don't see ron so much anymore and i love ron)
(leather couch? rawr.)
i had fun this week. let's make a chickpea curry and watch bad movies.
(farunkle, lance, raid, mound, sand-foetus, the drive-through fetish shop and the big slap meal. and we'll turn it all into a t-shirt)

and a happy birthday to kurt.
you're a whore and i'll slap you in public.

goulet.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

this lack of internet is getting old. it bores and disgusts me.
what? i have to use public computers?
next thing you know i'll be churning butter in the dark.

i'm off work and it's pretty outside. come be my friend, i'll buy you gelato.

(also: if you ever have the wise notion to sit inside a shame hut on a rainy day and consume four bottles of mysterious, terrence bay home brew...perhaps it's time to re-evaluate your current situation. ok, i lie. it was fun. and blurry.)

Saturday, May 07, 2005

firstly: my internet seems to be broken, and my computer is being insolent and deserves to be punished. this accounts for the lack of posting, and message board presence. my apologies.

secondly: by the second day, sadness has turned to resentment, and all i want to do is watch buffy kill things.

buffy will be my new boyfriend.

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